by John W. James and Russell Friedman
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Published March 2009 (paperback) by Collins Living
More Info: The Grief Recovery Handbook
I didn’t think I needed to read this book. But I did: Losses that I encountered as a child have not been grieved. The full title: The Grief Recovery Handbook: 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith is by John W. James and Russell Friedman. There are millions of wounded Americans, aching with loss of jobs, homes, careers.
I recall interviewing John James probably a decade ago — before the divorce; the leaving from home of my two sons, one to rehab, one to college; loss of the full-time/benefits radio job, immediately picking up just a part-time gig; diagnosis of diabetes. John James was kind and attentive, but I was only vaguely aware of what was going on inside me from early on in my life. A few years later, when I got divorced, when I went back to dating, I didn’t feel emotionally healthy and I discovered a lot of unfinished business from my childhood — the rapes by my stepfather, the loss of my real dad, the suicide attempts by my alcoholic mother. I didn’t really get that I had never grieved most of this stuff.
Reading The Grief Recovery Handbook I see some of my mistakes — handed down to me and many others in our culture. When there is a loss, the authors say, we are told don’t feel bad, replace the loss, grieve alone, just give it time, be strong for others, and keep busy. Honey, I’ve got Keep Busy mastered — always have!
Instead, the goal is to push through — completing the emotion. There is forgiveness. There are wonderful letters and graphs to draw, processing them with a partner. Very valuable stuff. I’ve been processing the PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), but I haven’t done the grieving. A light went on as I read — this is how to transcend the trauma. The Grief Recovery Handbook is a phenomenal tool, whatever your losses.
