You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas
By Augusten Burroughs
Published October 27, 2009 (Hardcover) St. Martin’s Press
First thing to know. You Better Not Cry is not a children’s book. Even if it does open with Augusten Burroughs as a kid pondering the relationship between Santa and Jesus. He writes, “It’s just that, most of the year, Jesus is naked except for his little rag and his thorn hat, and then on Christmas, he puts on his good red suit.”
OMG.
Oh, yeah, God. Augusten can’t figure out how Jesus can be Son of God and God at the same time. Seems he grew up in the Unitarian Church, as did I. In church school, they taught us how the Hopi worshiped, we attended seders, and we discussed the Salem witch trials. But nobody ever answered my question, “Just what do we believe?” either.
His characterizations of his parents aren’t exactly flattering, but then, have they ever been.
You might need a barf bag for this literary journey. I’m thinking, in particular, of a certain morning-after where a Santa-suit figures in mightily.
OMG.
And then there’s the Christmas story that could make you cry. After ten years of not celebrating Christmas, Augusten convinces his atheist partner Dennis to buy their first Christmas tree. And the whole deal — house, holiday, and all — nearly blows up on them. The thought goes through Augusten’s head And then I destroyed it all because that is what I do — attract disaster.
But the sweetest chapter, I think, is the one where Augusten meets the love of his life. Step by step, mistake by mistake, choice by choice, everything that I had ever done, every right instead of left, had been designed to get me here. Inside my mind, you would hear I want that!
So romantic. That’s when — despite the warning title You Better Not Cry – I do cry.
