Bouncing Back
December 2, 2008
There are four invitations for this evening after work -- and one more possibility that I really want to occur. A group reunion meeting falls through. A lecture I want to see starts at seven, and my work finishes off a bit too far away at six-thirty, to guarantee I'll make it. One of my sons promises to come over -- but then gets a last-minute date. And there is a screening, again at seven o'clock. But the possibility I really want -- is a reunion with an old lover who is in town for one day, today. For closure. I left a voicemail Sunday, a neutral one, a "hey, you want to get together...?" kind of message. And I hear nothing. My night has cleared magically...and it has stayed clear. I call three friends, leave messages.
I walk into my office. And, the red rubber ball smell of this book coaxes me to it. THE BOUNCE BACK BOOK: HOW TO THRIVE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY, SETBACKS, AND LOSSES is Karen Salmansohn's answer to a place in her life when she packed twelve pounds on her five-foot-three body by eating boxes of chocolate left by a non-paying customer. Her answer to a series of bad events, capped by a sexual assault.
I used to have long stretches of pain, because I wasn't just responding to the life situation of the moment, but to decades of triggered pain. I've been in the trenches the past year, approaching that ancient pain, getting eye to eye with it, and allowing the dark side to be part of my Light -- and process through my body. Now, stuff like perceived rejection ("get over it"and "you're too sensitive") and abandonment ("it's not about you") and sexual assault ("no man is ever going to love me") gets easier and easier to tolerate because it just "is" what it is. It is no longer decades of terror that have turned into walls. So this evening, the "nobody loves me" thought becomes a curious feeling to experience, and I let it roll through my body, at times making me laugh, because it's so untrue as to be ridiculous, at times letting me cry, and finally letting me fall asleep for a few minutes to let the residue evaporate in my dreams.
Actually, this is some of Karen's Tip #12 Don't ride a roller coaster of feelings. She says it's vital to pull apart the emotion from the bad feeling habits. She asks "what current feelings are familiar?" And, "can I think of any feelings from the past that this present crisis might be retriggering?" Oh, you mean the big one I'm working on -- my real dad is pushed out of my life when I am five, and the new man tries to steal my loyalty by having sex with me. When I feel rejected by a man -- this lover I was hoping to hear from tonight -- it is a major trigger.
But, the roller coaster ride doesn't last very long this time -- a half hour, maybe, because the five-year old inside me doesn't have as much of a grip on my life, and because I now have compassion for the cruelty she experienced -- and forgive her! How could a five-year old ask for that? This precious time spent, to fully experience without judgment, emotions, precludes falling prey to my feelings.
And as soon as I am calm, and feeling okay about myself again, the phone rings, and it is one of my friends. She applauds my choice to fully experience the emotion and let it go.
And, Karen writes in her book, "What are my triggers for joy? Surround yourself with them!"
Ah-ha! That's why I'm writing!
There are four invitations for this evening after work -- and one more possibility that I really want to occur. A group reunion meeting falls through. A lecture I want to see starts at seven, and my work finishes off a bit too far away at six-thirty, to guarantee I'll make it. One of my sons promises to come over -- but then gets a last-minute date. And there is a screening, again at seven o'clock. But the possibility I really want -- is a reunion with an old lover who is in town for one day, today. For closure. I left a voicemail Sunday, a neutral one, a "hey, you want to get together...?" kind of message. And I hear nothing. My night has cleared magically...and it has stayed clear. I call three friends, leave messages.
I walk into my office. And, the red rubber ball smell of this book coaxes me to it. THE BOUNCE BACK BOOK: HOW TO THRIVE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY, SETBACKS, AND LOSSES is Karen Salmansohn's answer to a place in her life when she packed twelve pounds on her five-foot-three body by eating boxes of chocolate left by a non-paying customer. Her answer to a series of bad events, capped by a sexual assault.
I used to have long stretches of pain, because I wasn't just responding to the life situation of the moment, but to decades of triggered pain. I've been in the trenches the past year, approaching that ancient pain, getting eye to eye with it, and allowing the dark side to be part of my Light -- and process through my body. Now, stuff like perceived rejection ("get over it"and "you're too sensitive") and abandonment ("it's not about you") and sexual assault ("no man is ever going to love me") gets easier and easier to tolerate because it just "is" what it is. It is no longer decades of terror that have turned into walls. So this evening, the "nobody loves me" thought becomes a curious feeling to experience, and I let it roll through my body, at times making me laugh, because it's so untrue as to be ridiculous, at times letting me cry, and finally letting me fall asleep for a few minutes to let the residue evaporate in my dreams.
Actually, this is some of Karen's Tip #12 Don't ride a roller coaster of feelings. She says it's vital to pull apart the emotion from the bad feeling habits. She asks "what current feelings are familiar?" And, "can I think of any feelings from the past that this present crisis might be retriggering?" Oh, you mean the big one I'm working on -- my real dad is pushed out of my life when I am five, and the new man tries to steal my loyalty by having sex with me. When I feel rejected by a man -- this lover I was hoping to hear from tonight -- it is a major trigger.
But, the roller coaster ride doesn't last very long this time -- a half hour, maybe, because the five-year old inside me doesn't have as much of a grip on my life, and because I now have compassion for the cruelty she experienced -- and forgive her! How could a five-year old ask for that? This precious time spent, to fully experience without judgment, emotions, precludes falling prey to my feelings.
And as soon as I am calm, and feeling okay about myself again, the phone rings, and it is one of my friends. She applauds my choice to fully experience the emotion and let it go.
And, Karen writes in her book, "What are my triggers for joy? Surround yourself with them!"
Ah-ha! That's why I'm writing!
Labels: book review, emotion, feelings, Karen Salmansohn, lover, rejection., THE BOUNCE BACK BOOK, transcending the trauma
posted by Diana Page Jordan @ 10:22 PM
2 Comments:
Diana
I found myself on your website in order to refer a client to you and ended up reading your blog and was touched by your story. Thanks so much for the honest and open sharing.
I woke up this morning aware of my version of aches and pains which are all physical now, and was lamenting my age, remembering my flexible body of my 20s and 30s. Like you, I only spent a short time feeling bad and now I am off to the pool.
What I am so thankful for is that the emotional traumas I had back then are all gone. They seemed to have disappeared with the metamorphosis of menopause. Thank you so much for reminding me! It's in your future as well.
Ms. Diana, I wish our reunion had not fallen through. I, too, had a miserable night. I thought to myself - if only I was meeting my friends this never would have happened. I find myself asking what positive and wonderful possibilities can come from this night? I know its out there waiting for me to see.
I hope you have another chance to meet your old love and have a Casablanca moment. Be well and we will celebrate in January :)
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